Category: mental health

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Finances mental health Weight Loss

My Credit Card Addiction

Let me tell you the story of how my credit card addiction blew out to be 35K AUD in debt (that’s 1.8 million rupees, 19K pounds and 25K USD for any of my international visitors). And how I’m still struggling with paying it off today.

But would I have done anything different? Probably not.

Learning how to manage money is one of the hardest things to do in life. And I think you learn the most by taking the hard route. Experience it all first hand.

2008 – The Student Credit Card

My first credit card was a $500 one. I got it before I went on exchange in Sweden. It did help when I was at uni, traveling around or had an unexpected expense come up.

2012 – The First Job Credit Card

When I moved to Sydney in 2012/2013 that creditcard was joined with a second one. This new card had a $2000 limit. I used it to buy a new laptop, and a bluetooth speak. I still use that speaker. The laptop really should be recycled through e-waste.

I also got my teeth done the first few years I lived in Sydney.

Getting my teeth fixed cost me $8000 and it was all cycled on the credit card over 2 years. So I never really paid it off. I just constantly cycled money on it.

That 2k credit card soon slowly increased to 7k.

2014 – The half arsed credit card application

Then I thought about consolidating that 7k creditcard. I half applied for a card but didn’t finish the application process. But Citibank were so desperate to issue me credit, they called my employer to check my income.

Nek minnit, I had a freshly minted 15K credit card in my letter box. I should have just canceled the card.

Narrator: She didn’t cancel that credit card

2015 was a bad year for my debt

In 2015 I had around 14k in debt across 3 cards. I had moved in with a partner at the time, used a card to help with the purchasing of household stuff. Had a sciatic nerve problem flair up, decided a decent mattress was in order. It went straight on the credit card. Got a loan for a motorbike, all of the extra gear I bought for it went on the credit card.

I was just about to consolidate it all into one card and cancel all the others, when my dad asked to borrow 2k. I used the credit card to do it. He paid it back but it meant I didn’t cancel that 7k credit card. I kept it open.

There was a holiday (a motorbike road trip to cairns and back) all added to the credit card too.

2016 came weight loss surgery

I applied to pay for the $7000 excess for weight loss surgery out of my super, the application was declined because my doctor didn’t emphasis the life and death nature enough on the referral letter. I ended up using that remaining credit card to pay for it all.

This I wouldn’t change at all. It helped me lose 40kg. The gains in quality of life and earning potential have probably already paid for itself. You can read more here.

2017 – Personal loan 35K

In 2017, I decided I had enough of all of those credit cards. I had 35K in debt across 3-4 cards. I took out a personal loan, cancelled most of the cards. I kept the 2k one. I still couldn’t completely shake off that credit card addiction.

2018 – Had lots of shit happen

I broke my ankle at the end of 2017, which meant I didn’t work as much in 2018 due to recovery, there was 2 job changes and moving houses a few times. It was not a very stable time of my life.

2019 – finally some stability

2019 sees me land a job with Commbank, however there was some drama with how I ended up with that role too. Basically I thought I was going to move to Newcastle. but nope, that was cancelled at the last minute.

But my housemate had already found a new roomy to take my room. So I had to move again. That 2k credit card had slowly increased back up to 7k and I used part of it to help me move again. I’m really proud of my new furnishings though, I even got a photoshoot for it. It’s all second hand furniture and now I pay sweet fuck all rent in Sydney:

After a few months working at Commbank I transferred my personal loan from westpac to commbank and reconsolidated that 7k credit card into it.

Today – it’s 20k plus 2k in credit cards

Today my total personal loan debt is at 20k and I have a 2k credit card. I finished paying off my motorbike loan last month. Woohoo. It’s the first big debt I’ve acquired since moving to Sydney that I’ve now paid off.

I’ll have that 2k card paid off by October and I’m track to have that personal loan paid off by the end of next year.

I feel on track to domino all of my debts but oh boy, has it been a rollercoaster ride to get there. I don’t think there is much I would change because it’s all a part of how we learn about life and how to manage our money.

If I hadn’t gone on this rollercoaster, when I do become debt free I wouldn’t appreciate it as much if I hadn’t taken the hard way to get there.

This is not financial advice

Categories
Critical Thinking mindfulness

Reflections on free speech

In today’s internet era it feels all too easy to get angry and upset over something offensive. It can be easy to find the rage machine in full swing and to get caught up in it all. Many platforms can concentrate that anger and it’s all in the name of “engagement”. Outrage gets more clicks and shares.

This blog post is a reflection on my thoughts about free speech, hate speech and how people become hateful.

3 approaches to moderation

If we let all types of speech fly under the free speech banner, then what do we do about speech that enacts violence? On the internet I’ve seen three levels of moderation:

1) Reddit – let everything fly

If you want to see some dark nasty corner of the internet you will find just the right corner in some subreddit thread somewhere. 4Chan has a similar culture. Anything goes, no moderation here.

Remember #GamerGate? One part of of it was some people didn’t like Anita Sarkeesian’s video posts on Tropes vs Women in video games. Someone even created a beat up Anita game.

2) Twitter – let most things fly

If it enacts a sense of violence twitter will now tag the post with a warning:

Twitter has flagged and hidden a tweet by United States President Donald Trump, saying he violated Twitter’s rules about glorifying violence.

https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2020/05/twitter-flags-hides-trump-tweet-glorified-violence-200529080054304.html

3) Facebook – post no evil

Facebook has a team of people and algorithms searching and blocking hate speech, e.g. commenting “Men are scum” will be removed.

you can’t attack a person or group of people based on a protected characteristic. A characteristic like race, religion or gender.

https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/radiolab/articles/post-no-evil

Free speech isn’t a free pass

If I say something hateful, offensive or generally misguided, I should be held accountable for what I said. I want people to call out my offensive nature. There’s lots of things I don’t know or misunderstand. By calling me out you help me to improve my understanding.

We have to take responsibility of what we say

Rowan Atkinson – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiqDZlAZygU

Comedians and cancel culture

Comedians have a reputation for being a bit offensive or a bit on the nose with their comedy. Comedy is criticism of society at large. Here are some Comedians calling out Cancel Culture:

These comedians tend to think we are now too sensitive and over react to everything.

How people are radicalized

I’m going to leave you with a video on how people become radicalized. It doesn’t matter if it’s veganism, transphobia, racism, sexism or general hatred. No one starts their life hating another group of people. We learn this behavior through the culture we absorb:

If you find yourself getting angry over something on the internet, please take some time to reflect and understand where that anger is coming from.

Further Reading

https://ketanjoshi.co/2020/08/07/journalism-has-a-social-media-abuse-problem-no-not-that-one/

Categories
mental health

Mental Health reflection

I last did a mental health check in at the mid June and this blog post is a reflection of where I’m at today.

If you need to talk to someone about mental health there are plenty of services out there. Here is a list of them.

Sleep is better

I got my bloods done, there’s no issues from a nutrient point of view that was causing the low mood. I’ve been taking some melatonin to help get my sleep back to a regular cycle and it seems to be helping.

So fucking bored

I think the monotony of working from home is starting to set in. I really miss interacting with people. I get most of my motivation for work from interacting with people. Interacting with people purely online isn’t quite giving me the energy I need. This last week I’ve just felt so fucking bored. I haven’t had any motivation for work. I don’t know where this feeling is coming from either.

And I can’t focus

It’s not like I have a lack of things I can do. I have tons of ideas and improvements. Things that could help my team, the next video series on public speaking and I’ve started a new part time course so there’s tons of new things to learn. But really struggling with the focus.

I don’t know if time off will help

If I took a week off, all I would do is sit around home studying/growing my side business. I wouldn’t actually switch off and relax. I never switch off from work and life, it’s one of those things that was impacting my sleep before hand. There will be a week off from study in October with the term break. Maybe I’ll take some time off then.

I’m searching for meaning

Life can be so goddam random and meaningless sometimes. As humans we are really good at finding meaning in the chaos of life. Why am I even bothering with trying to find meaning and satisfaction? Anyway I feel a bit weird here and I think the whole pandemic situation might be contributing.

Counselling services

I should try some things to help me re-centre and calm a my mind. Maybe get back into meditation, or try some magic or just talk to someone.

Anyway, how are you looking after yourself during these challenging times?

Categories
Job hunting mental health Software Testing Technology Weight Loss

Discrimination in the Workplace

There are many forms of discrimination you could face when you are looking for work or in the workplace. Whether it’s based on;

  • Gender
  • Appearance
  • Family
  • Religion
  • Sexual Orientation
  • Age

Many of these forms of discrimination are illegal in many countries. Hiring Managers/Recruiters who work in Human Resources departments (HR) know how to protect their companies from potential lawsuits, so they won’t be directly discriminatory to your face. However you still might face indirect discrimination.

This blog post is a deep dive into the the subtleties of discrimination so you can be more aware of it during the job hunting process. Topics covered include:

  • Women in Tech
  • Fatness and Bias
  • Mental Health
  • Local Experience

Women in Tech

Women still face discrimination in the tech industry. Trans folk even more so. I read a story about a female to male transition for a tech support worker. When he transitioned he visited an old client to help fix a computer. The client thought it was a new person and complained about how the women who use to help fix their computer didn’t know anything about tech. It was the exact same person.

Here’s another story about how a Husband came to understand the discrimination his Wife and Business Partner faces on a daily basis.

In my early career I avoided using my full name (Samantha Connelly) on my CV because of the gender association. If you look at my old 2014 CV, I have S. Connelly as my name.

Now that I have a reputation in the industry, I can’t hide my gender. I’m a little gender queer in my representation and could easily go by Sam (he/him) but I don’t suffer from gender dysphoria and don’t have a strong desire to change. I will remain female because I’m comfortable in my own skin (CIS). Also men’s fashion isn’t as fun as women’s fashion.

Fatness and Bias

I use to be 127kg (that’s 280 pounds for my US readers and 20 stone for my UK readers). I’m now around 83kg, at 160cm tall this still puts me in the Obese category. I had always grown up being the fat kid. I had weight loss surgery (gastric sleeve) in 2016.

People tend to think fat people are lazy and unmotivated. Back when I was fatter and saw someone else who was even larger, I use to thing, “well at least I’m not that fat”, but I’ve seen my mindset change first hand. I now have the same knee jerk, “ew, gross” reaction as everyone else.

Fatness itself is generally not cause for legal discrimination (unless it’s classified as a disability), however overweight people are less likely to be promoted to leadership positions because they are seen as less competent.

When was the last time you saw a fat leader in a tech company? That weight loss surgery has probably already paid for itself based on my increased in potential earning capacity and more leadership opportunities.

Mental Health

This time last year, I thought I was going to move to Newcastle to join a start up in a head of engineering role. After the offer had been made, someone on the board did “further research” into my history, and getting fired from Campaign Monitor came up.

They thought I had been fired because of my history of mental health impacting my performance. At the time I was recovering from a broken ankle and I had presented to the whole company about my struggles with depression.

However, the reason why I was let go was a mismatch of skills and expectations. It was an experimental Quality Coach role, through hiring me they discovered they actually wanted someone to help grow the test automation framework for the C# backend. This wasn’t my strength and we broke up on good terms.

I even presented at a conference of how I tried a quality coach role and failed at it. I put together this presentation with the help of my old boss from Campaign Monitor. I was super excited for this role back at the end of 2017.

Local Experience

Through my career coaching sessions and leading Sydney Testers over the last 4 years, I’ve spoken to many people who are looking for their first job here in Australia. They often get rejected for not having any “local experience”. I view this as a form of discrimination. It’s an excuse to not consider you as a candidate.

I can’t blame hiring managers for taking this mental shortcut. When you are dealing with 100’s of applicants and you want to get the list down to 4 to interview, you take many shortcuts to get there.

It does mean people often struggle to land that first job here. I’ve told people to invest in their online profile and networking to overcome this barrier.

Summary

I have no idea how other people over come other forms of discrimination (like agism and racism). But this blog is full of stories of things I’ve tried or heard that can help people put their best foot forward during the job hunting process.

If you’re an older disabled fat black mother working in tech good luck out there because society isn’t on your side.

What’s worked for you? Or did something backfire?

Categories
Craft Beer Critical Thinking Finances Job hunting Marketing mental health mindfulness Software Testing Technology

Buddha in Testing: Chapter 5

At the end of Buddha in Testing, Pradeep asks the reader to co-author the next chapter with him. So this blog post is my attempt at writing part of Chapter 5 of this book:

What is the chaos that surrounds you in testing?

Write now, during the pandemic a lot of people have been made redundant and are struggling to find work. I’m lucky enough that my day job isn’t all that chaotic, which is a good thing. The mobile app I’m working on is doing pretty well. I wouldn’t want to be dealing with a stressful work load on top of everything else.

What is my contribution?

I put together a software testers career cheatsheet to help anyone whose struggling to find work right now. After having career coaching sessions with a bunch of people, a few themes came to light. I got the inspiration to do a video series on those points. I found out it makes for great marketing content.

What situations have put you out of calmness?

Last weekend I recorded 7 career tip videos in one weekend. I was burnt out by Monday and a blubbery, teary mess. I couldn’t focus on work and took the day off to mentally recharge. I told twitter I was out of spoons.

How did you bring peace?

Walking around the city, listening to podcasts and shopping in second hand clothes stores was how I recharged. I even had a beer in a sports bar at lunch and watched some cricket (England vs West Indies) :

What answers are you searching for?

Satisfaction in life. I’m over software testing. I’m starting a graduate diploma in financial advice next week because I have an idea to disrupt the retirement funds industry here in Australia. Making retirement funds easier is something I can get behind.

How will you recognise the peace?

I enjoy adding value to other people. It’s a huge driver to most of what I do. I miss the constant interaction with people from my shop assistant days. If money/labour wasn’t a drawback I’d prefer to work in a supermarket over most of the testing roles I’ve had. With my history of depression, I don’t think I’d ever achieve peace but I can be more content with life.

I’m now outta steam

I could continue answering the questions but I think I’m going to leave it there. How would you answer some of these questions?

Categories
mental health Paganism Spirituality

Why Paganism appeals to me

I don’t often write about spiritual or religious ideas on this blog but I was recently listening a 99 percent invisible podcast on Yokai (Japanese Folk Lore Spirits):

And the idea of personification of spirits resonates with me. This blog post is a reflection on my spiritual beliefs.

What is Paganism

Paganism is a Christian made up word to mean non Christian, or a non believer of the Christian God/religion. It was used during the Roman Catholic expansion through Europe to describe many of the other spiritual beliefs they encountered. Witches and Wiccans are a small part of the broad Pagan label. The witch hunts weren’t a pleasant time of history.

Many Christian holidays are based on pagan traditions. Easter is a spring time fertility celebration and Yule (aka Christmas) is a feast during the dead of winter to help ward off things like disease and famine.

Paganism is an un organised religion. There’s not a big building that all Pagans congregate at like a church or sinigogue. It’s also a very flexible religion where you can shape it to your own beleif system.

Game of Thrones uses a lot of pagan rituals. Robb Stark and Talisa get married and there’s a handfasting ceremony where their hands are tied with cloth. Bran goes back in time and witnesses this handfasting wedding:

Bran Azor Ahai The Dragon Has 3 Heads Rhaegar Prophesy
https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/09/170646/bran-prince-who-was-promised-prophecy-finale

If God has a gender

One of the things that irked me the most about Christianity is the fatherisation of God. God is a He, Him, the Ultimate Father. Where as when I think of the magic of how life is created, the female form is generally more involved (sea horses being the exception).

If I was to give God a gender, I like to think of it as a motherly figure. God is beyond gender but many pagan traditions associate the goddess of creation with the moon. Mother nature in a way. May the goddess protect you on your journey. And all that jazz.

Anthroporfism of spirits

One of the benefits of the Yokai is the personification of things that go bump in the night. Heard a spooky noise at night? It’s a mischievous little monster. When you personify something it becomes easier to deal with.

One of the benefits of Christianity is the externalisation of life’s randomness. You don’t get as stressed about life when you can tell yourself it’s all part of God’s plan and everything happens for a reason. I prefer to think of many spirits causing these problems, not just one or two apposing forces (i.e. God vs the Devil).

Druidry

Druidry resonates with me, having the ultimate respect for nature. Why not believe there’s a wise old spirit in the big old tree that you could seek guidance from. It also means I can bring in elements of the aboriginal dream time because living in Australia there are elements of respect to country.

Anyway, if you are interested in connecting with Druids Down Under, there’s this facebook group:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/category/Community/Druids-Down-Under-160405097356025/

And there is this book on Australian Druidry that I read at the beginning of the year:

Magic is preyer

When a pagan practices a magic ritual, either solo or in a group, it’s all about putting positive energy into the cosmos. Much like how a Christian might make a preyer before going to bed, the act of putting positive energy out there is a great comfort.

It’s the same sensation when joining in a group song at a sermon. When you put enough faith into it, you can feel a part of something that’s bigger than you. It’s a really up lifting experience.

Practicing magic

At the start of the year I gave myself the goal of doing 4 magic ceremonies and I haven’t done one yet. I should do a basic initiation ceremony, I would welcome the goddess of creation into my life and ask her to keep me safe and to watch over some of the people that I care about. I might even create an Amabi Yokai character to represent the water part of the magic circle.

Wiccan magic circles

A wiccan magic circle is often part of a ceremony, you can orient the circle with the 4 cardinal directions (North, East, South and West). Each direction can represent an element or a spirit. You evoke a spirit to help protect your magic circle before you start the ceremony.

For a basic enchantment they could be earth, air, fire, and water. However in the southern hemisphere we may swap things around and if you have a big ocean to the east of you might use that direction for water. You might use a candle for air or fire, a plant for earth, a feather for air. Something that has meaning to you and helps you focus.

Practice time

I’ll put some of these ideas into practice and do an initialising magic ritual one night and I’ll let you know how I go.

What’s involved with your spiritual/religious practices?

Categories
depression mental health

Mental Health check-in

Q. Hey Sam, how’s your mental health going?

A. To be honest, it’s been pretty shit. This whole pandemic thing hasn’t been great for my mental wellbeing.

Q. Yeah it’s all been pretty stressful, ay. What’s been bothering you? Would you like to talk about anything specifically?

A. My sleep has been all kinds of fucked up. Feeling tired has gotten to me a few times. There’s been days where I’ve been overwhelmed enough to just sit down and cry for half an hour. I’ve felt better afterwards but I’m struggling to get solid sleep.

Q. Why’s that?

A. I’m not sure, I think there’s been quite a few factors contributing. Getting less exercise means I have a harder time switching off at night. My apartment is so fucking cold, sometimes it takes me hours just to heat up enough to doze off. The lack of seperation of work space and home space means I don’t switch off from work. The low bar anxiety from reading the news/twitter can also keep me scrolling on my phone late into the night. It doesn’t matter how many sleepy bed time meditations I listen to, they just don’t appear to be working like they use to.

Q. Is there anything I can help you with?

A. Can you remind me to go buy an electric blanket? Do you think I should get one online or go into a store?

Q. Sure, whatever works for you. Has there been anything that’s helped you cope during these social isolation times?

A. It’s so fucking nice to have a cat in the house. My new housemate came with one. There’s been a few times I’ve overwhelmed with happy tears having the cat sit on my lap for some nice warm pats.

Q. It’s such a fluffy kitty. What about taking a break from social media?

A. I would like to try fixing one thing at a time, make a small change, measure if it helps and then go from there.

Q. No problem, is there anything else you’d like to talk about?

A. Nah I’m cool for now, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks

Categories
Finances mental health Sustainability Weight Loss

2020 goal setting

2019. What a year it’s been. There’s been a few ups and downs and I didn’t achieve as much as I had set out to when I did my last bout of goal setting. I didn’t write a book or release an app. I did however get a part time job with YOW! Conference, settle into a fufilling role (even though there was drama there), and spoke at 3 conferences.

One thing I realise, is I’m always trying to do too much. The theme for next years Mardi Gras is what matters. So, what matters to me? In terms of my personal well being I tend to view it accross 5 elements:

Health

Being healthy is the foundation to all elements of my well being. If I’m not looking after myself here, how can I grow in any other part of my well being? For me, this is physical health, mental health and sexual health.

Physical Health

The biggest thing I need to focus on for next year is beating the overweight category. I’ve beaten the obesity label once before but I’ve slipped back a little and I need to get on top of this. For my height, I need to be less than 65kg to beat the over weight label.

Mental Health

Next year will see me go through Schema Therapy. Here’s hoping it helps me correct an unhealthy mindset I have about myself.

Sexual Health

I’ve always been reluctant to put sexual content on my blog, hoping to keep it professional. However I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t acknowledge it wasn’t an important part of my well being. I’m getting back into the kink scene by attending a few munches. This also helps build up a sense of community. The kink community was the first community I turned to when I first moved to Sydney 6 years ago.

Community

This is one of my personal values too. This also covers family. Nearly everything I do is driven by some sense of community. Next year I’ll be focusing on more board games, the kink community and professional networking. My biggest goal here will be focusing on building and engaging an online community through twitch and podcasting.

Career

I still want to release that app and write a book, however these goals are a bit further down the priority list and I don’t mind if I don’t achieve the book next year. The app is going to help me grow as a software engineer and is more important for growing my side business.

Financial

I’m making progress here. I aim to pay off half my credit card debt by the end of the year. I’ll continue to chip away at it at least.

Spiritual

I’ve tried giving myself spirtual goals before (say establish a daily meditation habit), but that’s always felt more of a mental health thing. I think next year I’m going to explore pagan/magic/druidary by practicing atleast 4 ceremonies that align with each 3 month interval of the year. I read a book yesterday on Australian Druidary and it’s inspired me to try it next year.

Summary

So in summary; I have 5 goals that touch all 5 elements of my well being:

  1. Beat the overweight label
  2. Release a mobile app
  3. Start a podcast
  4. Pay off half of my credit card debt
  5. Practice 4 magic ceremonies

2020 should be a year of focus and vision (haha, get it?). What matters to you for the next year?

Categories
depression mental health

Schema Therapy

I had a chat to a psychologist yesterday and they recommend I try schema therapy. Schema therapy can be useful for people with split personalities or who have gone through cognitive behavioral therapy before but still find they get “stuck” in unhealthy mindsets.

The premise behind the schema is that you have a belief or a mindset, normally developed as a kid that’s actually really harmful and destructive as an adult. E.G. someone who always finds themselves in abusive relationships or self medicates through a drug addiction might have an unhealthy schema.

My schema is worthlessness

I have a fundamental belief that I’m a completely worthless heap of shit who doesn’t deserve to be here and can’t do anything right. Now that’s hard to write down and I’d never say that to anyone else but this is a constant thought in my head. When I started failing uni this thought was the only thing in my mind and I couldn’t function. I fell into a bout of chronic depression and had no energy to do anything. I escaped this thought by eating, watching tv and playing video games. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helped me to quiet this voice but it’s still there.

Triggers for my schema

I think everyone has these unhelpful thoughts going through their mind. When I’m healthy and looking after myself this voice is just background noise, just like in everyone else’s head. However if I’m tired, stressed, unwell or otherwise just a bit meh, this voice gets louder. I find during a particular time of month, I don’t sleep so well thanks to those pesky hormones. I find this voice gets a little harder to ignore around then. My dad is also a big trigger for me, I think that internal voice resonates with his voice a bit too well.

This might take 2 years

I might be doing this type of therapy for up to 2 years. This won’t be an easy exercise. I have to unlearn a fundamental belief I’ve had with me since I can remember. I can’t change this mindset overnight. Believe me, if I could change it I would have already done so.

It’ll get worse before it gets better

This morning I had a teary because the side walk was blocked, I walked pass the barrier and a worker told me to turn around. I had to back track a distance to cross the road safely and I missed the bus I needed to be on. I got upset with myself for a good half an hour and felt like a complete failure. When I was chronically depressed, that upset mood would stick around all day. I’m glad it now only lasts for half an hour but it’s still an unhealthy response to that situation. By bringing this mindset to the surface it’s going to get worse before it gets better. Just like how physio can be uncomfortable but is meant to make you stronger.

This isn’t Imposter Syndrome

I don’t generally feel like an imposter, parts of my self confidence are actually pretty healthy. I’m good at what I do and I know my career is going pretty awesomely. I don’t feel like don’t deserve my job, friends or family. Overall my life is pretty awesome, I just have this unhealthy reaction to some situations.

Speaking out and getting support

You can watch my presentation to Sydney Tech leaders on my struggles with depression on Twitch here. I’ve also tried mindfulness eating practices with a psychologist who specialized in eating disorders. I have problems with food, I wouldn’t have gotten to 127kg if I had a healthy relationship with food. If you need help, please reach out to any service. You don’t need to struggle with this alone. I’m still here even though I often feel worthless.

What unhealthy mindsets do you have? Or when was the last time you tried to unlearn something?

Categories
depression mental health

Can I just not exist right now? k thx

I’ve now been aware of a persistent low mood for around 2 months now. Here is a poem to reflect on the persistent feeling of not wanting to exist. It constantly washes over me during the day. This is not a feeling I want to act on, I know it doesn’t make any sense, overall my life is pretty awesome (except for these thoughts and a few other things) but if you feel like acting on these types of thoughts please reach out to lifeline on 13 11 14 or anyone other related service. The last time I wrote a poem about depression was in 2016.

Can I Just not exist right now, k thx.

This thought sneaks in as I stand in line at the supermarket.

How about if the world just swallowed me up, k thnx.

Then I wouldn’t have to exists with these thoughts.

Why do I not want to exist?

There’s nothing in life that should be causing this.

Can I Just not exist right now, k thnx.

As I wait for the bus I think about disappearing.

How about numbing the pain?

Beer and the internet in my pocket help me forgot myself.

Staring into the void, I still want to exist in the future

But can I just not exists right now? k thnx